The car’s engine cools in the winter air as two boys sit in a moment of silence. The brief excitement of seeing each other for the first time in years has worn off; replaced by the normality of their friendship. The radio had just stopped in the middle of “Roll Up” by Wiz Khaklifa.

Eric wasn’t sure if this was an ironic throwback to high school or if Milton really hadn’t changed much in the last decade. They were friends by association in a larger friend group; meaning the ones who smoked weed to cure their depression and anxiety. Eric was a straight A student, almost, and Milton was smart but didn’t excel in school, but they did share their pressure of doing well in school to meet expectations of going to college. Now that it was years later, it really seemed pointless. Milton had picked up Eric from his parents house during his annual visit during Christmas. Sure they kept in touch but they didn’t sit around saying dumb shit while smoking weed anymore. It was a nice nostalgic atmosphere, they both outwardly missed. As Milton rolled a spliff in his lap, the searing wheel kept getting in his way. Fucking Milton has not changed a bit thought Eric.

Yoo, so what grad school like? Milton finally whispered, still looking down.

Snapped out of reliving high school, Eric says back, Meh, you know how school goes. They tell you what you need to know to pass and they can’t answer your nuanced questions. They just respond to you with some bullshit tangent about some paper they read or you should just email their colleague. Milton nods in approval finishing up the spliff with a lick. Eric continues, Do you know the idea where if you have a torch at night you can only see so much in the darkness? He pauses, collecting his ideas. Anyways, I learned that the more you know, the less you really know. Everyone is just running around believing half-truths and lies. Basing all their lives off entrenched beliefs. Worshipping professors, worshipping gods, stroking their own egos. And people just grab onto someone who isn’t a huge idiot and who will genuinely help their career. I dropped my old advisor cuz he didn’t think science was political. Everything’s political. We study climate change for fuck sakes. His funding comes from some politician who wants to look good to his, or her, probably his, voting base. Its fucked dude… Eric stops as he hears Milton sparking his lighter. After a long drag with shaky hands, Milton exhales. That’s wacky, he replies. Fuck you, pass that. Eric said with a laugh.

They sit for a moment in silence as Eric hits the spliff awkwardly; he hasn’t smoked in awhile. Currently he lived in a state with legal weed and would buy vapepens, a habit carried over from the pandemic. As Eric pondered how nostalgic the smoke smelled, he passed the spliff back to Milton. He let himself drift into thoughts on how grad school really was. He wanted to say he fell in and out of love with another student. He also thought about all the gay shit he’s done since high school. The guys he dated, kissed, cuddled, and even cried with. Milton wasn’t homophobic to his knowledge but this was his deadbeat high school friend. Sure they talked about girls, but they didn’t go very deep into emotions: that’s why they smoked weed together, to escape those pesky emotions. Eric wished he could share his developing identity of being queer to Milton, but the definitions he would have to explain were so blurred even to himself. He knew his journal he started in lockdown was a mess of emotional swings: overly joyful to repression. The journal read as if an incel and a radical feminist wrote on alternating pages. He recently reread the entire journal after his last failed first date. After he wrote “12/5/21, First date with Elizabeth was boring. I ghosted her cuz im a lil bitch :)” Truthful and to the point. I am really slipping into my toxic behaviors lately, he decided in that car. This combination of nicotine and thc really helped clear my thoughts. Eric then broke the silence. You know it’s not too awful getting paid to do school. I’m trying to be less cynical lately. My friend a few years ago got on my case about how cynical I was. It really snapped me out of it, but I slide into it when I think too much. Anyways, I met and even dated some cool people recently. I fell madly in love with my friend and she said it was mutual. Then she broke up with me after a week. That shit hurt. Milton looks over to meet Eric in the eyes. Damn bruh, I hate when that happens to good guys like us. This girl did that to me in college for, like, years. Its not like we are fuck boys like Matt and Dave. Milton pauses for a forced laugh that ends in a real cough. He continues, It’s not like we joined frats or anything cult bullshit. We just like to be sad boys and smoke weed. Like we have ideas and emotions that are hard to share without a good buddy and a bag of weed. Milton pauses, hands Eric the joint. I was on Instagram and a recommended person popped up. I clicked on him because it said you two were friends and the picture looked like a skier bro. Eric looks away and rips the spliff. After his exhale, Under one of his posts, you commented an emoji of two dudes kissing. Eric could sense the hesitation in Milton’s words. Milton, I kiss boys, Eric replies suddenly. Sorry, I don’t know why I said it that way. I’m bisexual; I dated and kissed a few boys over the years, and that was my undergraduate fling. So yeah, that’s my story. Milton extends his empty hand out for the joint. Okay, that’s interesting. No worries dude, I still love you bro. Milton said in a calming voice. Eric managed to say, Thanks bro, I love you too, before a brief moment of silence.

My ex and I tried anal and shit was fire. So I kinda understand. Eric sat dumbfounded at that idea as he watched Milton finish off the spliff, open the car door, toss the end, and slam the car door shut. The car was getting a bit cold at this point so Milton turned the ignition switch. The Wiz Khalifa song started playing again. Milton turned to the dumbfounded Eric. You good homie? Milton said with a laugh. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Dude. Eric said bluntly. Those two things are not the same at all.

Yeah, kinda but whatever. Wanna go to the bar?

Dude we reek of weed.

It’s fine, Dave is the bouncer tonight. Milton said with a smirk. He then threw the car into reverse to turn around to head back into town.

Submitted by IRIS ROSE